Monday, December 7, 2009
It certainly feels like Christmas is coming now though. Sadly, I havent cracked open a box of my decorations. Not one.
Our neighbors had lights up the day after Thanksgiving. Today, December 7th, I STILL have pumpkins on my porch (leftovers from Halloween that I turned around and put fake flowers in)
Thanksgiving is still lingering on my back porch. I had planned on putting it all away on Friday (black Friday) but was so pooped from Thanksgiving itself that we slept in til 10 and then went shopping and then came home and napped and then went to the Mission Inn Festival of Lights. Now, I'm sick and its been a week and half and there it sits. Dont worry, all the dishes are done.
I put dishes in the sink, like someone else is going to wash them. We (I) purposely bought a HUGE single bowl, deep sink, so I could hide my dirty little secret until I get enough energy to wash them. See, you can't even see dinner leftovers in there. amazing. But you can see my unfinished backsplash, dead plant and guests forgotten thanksgiving dishes.
I'm SO over Jon and Kate. but not the way everyone else is. Yes, I think its sad, yes I think the kids are suffering but I'm sick of hearing everyone judge Kate. She freely admits that she over-reacted a lot and that the stress of having 8 kids was a huge part of it, which is more than Jon has said. All he's done is bashed the mother of his 8 kids and paraded his girlfriends around in the lime light. All I'm sayin is....film my life and chop it up into 28minute segments and I'd look like her too. (well not physically, but you get the point) Thank goodness Tiger's dirty little secrets are overshadowing the Gosselins, poor lady needs a break.
You can chalk #4 up to being sick and watching a lot of Tivo'd shows.
I feel like I've been very negative lately. My love language is words of affirmation. One of the traits is that I know everything wrong with me before anyone has to say anything. But really, since I've been pregnant I just have no tolerance. I have so much more to worry about and care about that I just say what I think so I dont waste anymore time. So, If I've offended you or sounded way too negative I'm sorry. Its being worked on. You can pray for me.
With a brief stint in the kitchen to make dinner and wash infamous dishes I've been on the couch since I came home from work at 1pm. I can just hear myself getting fatter. :)
I wish I could chalk the confessions up to being drugged and sick, but I cannot take anything to make myself feel better except sudefed and tylenol which does nothing. So, take #5 and apply here.
Happy thanksgiving and happy beginning of Christmas! :)
Monday, November 23, 2009
19.3 week Sweet baby.....GIRL!
The poll was 76% girl. They were right. We are having a daughter. We are still in shock a little but excited. Its becoming so real now. I can hardly believe it. She's kicking an moving tons. It mostly feels like pressure changes but now that I know what it is I can tell its HER! She likes to kick my bladder a lot. During the ultrasound she had both feet on and kicking away. only 20 more weeks to go until we get to meet her face to face.
oh boy...er I mean girl! :)
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I am a planner and Mike is sure it is a boy so we are going to find out the sex. I am convinced we are having a girl. It really doesnt matter to us we are just so happy to have this family, even for the weeks we already have! So here's my list.
~I look forward to seeing what this baby looks like, the face and the hair and all the things that make my hubby and I unique put together perfectly in another person God formed.
~I look forward to knowing his or her personality and the traits that they pick up from us.
~I look forward to seeing my husband be a father. Something he desires more than I do for him.
~I look forward to having to be selfless for someone else everyday because there are children that dont get to experience the joy of being wanted, desparately.
God is teaching me to be obedient. I know that sounds weird but its true. Be obedient in talking with and spending time with Him even when I dont feel good and want to just veg-out in bed all day. To rely on Him to change my heart and teach me patience so that the enemy has no place to hold on to.
I'm tired and nothing fits right, I have terrible skin, my nose is stuffy and bleeding, i'm starving and my tailbone hurts. Its hard growing a human, harder than I thought but its a joy everyday to be reminded of this miracle. I think I feel him or her moving every once in a while and those few seconds make it all worth it.
This morning I was brushing my teeth and thanking God for running water. When things are hard what can you find to be happy about? If you are down financially, do you have food to eat? Do you have 1 warm sweater or jacket? There is a person that asked for some help because he is sleeping under the trees. He made me be grateful for the gas in my car, shoes on my feet, flannel sheets on my bed and WARM water in my home. Nicole Nordeman sings a song called "Gratitude" makes me cry everytime, this is my favorite part.....
"Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .
We'll give thanks to You
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread..."
Monday, October 26, 2009
Most people miss their whole lives, you know. Listen, life isn't when you are standing on top of a mountain looking at the sunset. Life isn't waiting at the altar or the moment your child is born or that time you were swimming in deep water and a dolphin came up alongside you. These are fragments. 10 or 12 grains of sand spread throughout your entire existence. These are not life. Life is brushing your teeth or making a sandwich or watching the news or waiting for the bus. Or walking. Every day, thousands of tiny events happen and if you're not watching, if you're not careful, if you don't capture them and make them count, you could miss it. You could miss your whole life." Addition by Toni Jordan
So true. Lately my hubby and I have tried to pray prayers of praise instead of asking. I feel so light after I spend time thanking God for all He has given us and not complaining about the little things. What can you thank God for today?
"Thank you God for heartburn and ever-growing body parts. Thank you for bad skin and weird pains. Thank you for tiredness, dry skin and food cravings. They all remind me of the miracle you are knitting inside me. Thank you for these daily reminders"
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
My 20's were quite eventful. I got married just shy of 21, moved 10 times (including a brief stint in Maui) and was divorced by the time I was 26, bought and sold 2 houses then bought and kept 2 more. God called me to serve him at a church full time where I met the love of my life at 27 . The last 2 years of my 20's seemed relatively un-eventful considering the rest. Though not easy by any means they were more stable than the rest. God brought me through so much healing in the last ten years I wouldnt be the woman I am today without it all. He showed me how to forgive people even if they never ask. That forgiveness is His glory not ours, His grace not our revenge. He touched my heart and broke down the wall of hardness and protection that I had worked so hard to build. He asked me to pray blessings on the people who hurt me so badly. He took my pain and softened it so I could share it with others and ease theirs. He gave me a voice.
Perhaps the biggest lessens in healing came this summer. I havent shared this story yet because it wasnt time. The more I thought about sharing the harder it became to find the right "title". Today it seemed the most fitting. Healing. Sometimes you have to endure immense pain to see all that God has to offer, NOT that He at all causes the pain, but simply doesnt butt in and allows us to go through it. In June after months and months of anguish, anger and sadness I learned that for the 1st time I was pregnant. That little blue plus sign was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. Upon seeing it appear I immediately fell on the floor in praise and prayer. I'm still astonished to this day. I truly believed I would never in my life see a positive pregnancy test, without the help of a Doctor. Although I had prayed and begged and pleaded and yelled for it I could not believe it was actually true. I told my dear husband that night and he too was in utter amazement. You see, we were about to head for a much needed vacation to Hawaii the next week. We had been putting off our 1st fertility treatment because of the vacation. We needed to devot an entire month to this process and werent quite ready for all it would bring. We decided to go in July when we were rested and ready. This took us by complete surprise. Though the same day we confirmed it at the hospital our dear friends lost their baby. It was joy and utter sorrow all at the same time.
1 week later, the day we were set to leave for Hawaii I woke up with signs of a distressed pregnancy. I told my husband and called our hospital. They asked us to come in right away. The next 24hours I remember but seem more like a dream. The ultrasound showed nothing but the blood test was a confident positive. I didnt know what to think. I didnt know what to feel. "How could this be happening", "what if this is our only chance", "why". We did go to Hawaii but it was certainly not vacation. I spent the whole week in bed and at the Dr. There were a few happy moments but mostly I felt like I was in a steel bubble all alone. I questioned God more in that month than ever before in my life. "Why would He give me something just to take it away, thats so wrong". "Why couldnt I just be able to be happy and not have sorrow". WHY!!!
What happened next is nothing short of a miracle. Slowly through other parts that needed healing God softened my heart once again and began to show me a glimmer of His plan. Our church was going through a series on miracles and healing at the exact time I needed it. Brilliant. I shared with you that He sent me an angel I had no idea then what He was about to do. Our pastors asked us to stand if we needed healing and to consider praying for healing for others. I stood that Sunday in desperation for Him to heal my heart, it was broken in a million ways. That week I got the 1st email from that angel also praying for healing. I had NEVER before even thought that I needed physical healing. I had lived in this body my whole life and just accepted that this was the way I was made. He slowly began to change my heart and through many conversations with dear friends moved me into a place where I could take a literal leap of faith. My struggle was no longer a struggle it was a journey of faith. A path that I had been specially chosen to walk because God knew me and knew I could handle it. I prayed and asked "God, I believe you can and you will heal me. I believe that you will give us a child, I'm asking you for this with all that I am and am leaping into faith. I also believe that you will again heal my heart if you chose not to heal my body. We will love a child however you give it to us". I also took on a new daily prayer, "God, I'm doing my part, you do the rest" which has become so much more to me now.
We decided that through this new found faith we would again wait to go back to fertility treatments, friends, this was a VERY personal decision and it was what God asked US to do. We still are very grateful for every opportunity those Dr's gave us. My angel wrote the last email to me on August 3rd. She told me of her journey of faith and healing and how God had used me to help her. His plan is ALWAYS better. On August 5th I again had a positive pregnancy test. This one was a little less exciting. The joyful innocence I once had was now gone, yet it was exciting still. I think until about 2 weeks ago I was almost in denial. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop. My prayer is the only thing holding me together, "God, I'm doing my part, you do the rest". Today I am 11 weeks pregnant. We've seen the heartbeat twice, heard it once and pray for it everyday. I am far from being totally healed and I'm sure there are many more years of Gods healing. Its a journey, not a struggle but I am "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." ~Phil 1:6
30 years of healing. Thank you God for thirty years of healing. Please continue to heal me. Thank you for beating hearts and Dr's and ultrasounds. Thank you God for heartburn, stretchmarks and nausea. Thank you God for weight gain, tight pants and large blue veins. Thank you God for exhaustion and hunger. Thank you God for healing me today, please heal me tomorrow. amen. New little angel coming in April.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Sorry for leaving you in suspense. My new friend did end up miscarrying. Although very sad her words are simply amazing...here's a sneak at them "this whole thing has really brought me closer to him than i have ever been before because i have learned how to be honest in my relationship with him and how to let him love me where Im at. I learned that i cant get any place else, until I feel loved and accepted right where Im at."
What wisdom! loved and accepted right where I'm at! If only we all could experience this.
We MOVED IN! Finally! Although definitely NOT ideal we did get moved into the new house. Theres still SO much to do at both places but I can say at this point we are making progress. We overlooked 1 small, tiny, miniscule thing in the renovations....a pantry. We re-worked the layout of the original kitchen and had intended to build a pantry in the laundry room but with everything else taking priority we forgot to measure.
Our laundry machines are able to stack but I prefer them side by side. So with the machines and water heater we have a whopping 24 inches wide left for pantry shelves. So this is our make shift pantry for now!
I'm grateful for anything and it just makes me pull out my creativity! I know we have so much to be grateful for. Thank you Lord for the food that fills these shelves!
More to come later!!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Through the course of our conversation I realized how much God wanted us to meet. The odds are unquestionable that it was God. I am continuing to communicate with her as she sees her Dr. this week to determine what to do. She has chosen to wait and see what God will do, there are lots of tests her Dr. is running but it seems like an eternal wait to me. She's had at least 2 ultrasounds on different days and both show no heartbeat. I dont know that I could wait like her.
What I am learning through her is childlike faith. She said she has seen her 7mo pregnant friend be told that her baby had died and when she went in the next day (after much prayer) to deliver, the baby was alive again. She believes that God can do that with her tiny baby. She just keeps saying how much more faith she has because of this. Her Dr. even told her that she can keep waiting and that he has seen "bigger miracles than this". I have had so many disappointments that it is hard for me to believe like she is. God is slowly changing this in me, shaping me into the daughter He wants me to be. A friend told me yesterday how we say we are "trusting God" but that we need to remember He is trustworthy. That shook me hard. Am I just saying I'm trusting God or am I truly believing He is trustworthy? That I should believe like her, not remembering disappointment but believing in His power that He will NOT disappoint me. And remembering when it doesnt go the way I pleaded that it is simply because He knows the future and whats best and will answer in love. THESE sermon messages have come at a desperate time for me. Listen to them, they will change you. (6/28 through 7/19)
So, if you think of her or me would you join us in praying for this miracle? Please pray for Baby G and his mama, and for faith like a child for me.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
" I have been thinking about the two of you more and more. I'm not sure if your physical body needs healing but I know that if you are anything like me, the struggle to get pregnant has taken a toll on your mental health. For the next 28 days, I will be fervently praying for you instead of myself. Every time I begin to think about how I would decorate the empty room in my house, or what names I like, I will be praying that God give you the desires of your heart. I will be praying for your marriage; that it continues to strengthen and that you will continue to fall in love with your husband more and more each day. I pray that you will let all unforgiveness and guilt and anger go. If your body needs healing, I pray that God bring that to you. I pray that you find peace. I don't know if I am the one designed to pray for you but it can't hurt. I no longer want to be selfish in my prayers".
The last few weeks have been filled with utter joy and totally devastation. I dont think I've ever in my life felt so many conflicting emotions. Today was the first day I realized I actually felt normal again and then I received this email. I sit with tears flowing and heart absolutely amazed and filled with love.
So sweet angel, I will pay it forward and do the same for someone else.You have challenged me to think outside my own box. Thank you for showing me God's goodness today. Thank you for living our vision of being real. Thank you for stepping out in faith and sharing with me how God has spoken to you. I know that through your love and obedience you will be blessed. My dear sweet friend, I bless you with truth and the ability to feel hope as you trudge through the unknown future.
We know the ending of the story, God wins everytime.
P.s. The definition of "trudge" is...
n : a long difficult walk
v 1: walk heavily and firmly
Firmly. Set on the firm foundation of our great savior. Heavily, knowing
that the ground you are firmly walking on is supported by Christ.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Today I needed hope. I spent a good amount of time in prayer last night and Hope was what God needed me to have. Today I read about it and hope it gives you hope too. I have meditated on these verses for months and they mean so much more to me today. I was reminded that I already have hope, I just forgot I had it and forgot to see it.
~Romans 5:3,4&5 (NLT)
We can rejoice too when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this HOPE will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly GOD LOVES US, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
in T minus 5 days. woot.
We go to Hawaii at least twice a year. My hubby grew up on Oahu and much of his family is still there. This trip is special though. We get to take a few friends with us this time. My brother, sister-in-law and niece live on Maui and we are going to stay with them a few days too. The irony is that Mikes mom has been staying with us for a week here in Cali and she's flying back with us next week, but she has some work to do on other islands so we wont even see her until late in the week. Of all the times I've been to Hawaii there is still so much I haven't done. Eat shave ice for one. Never had it in HI ever. Thats on my list to do this time. Since we are avid followers of LOST
we will be trying to drive and see some of the "islands secrets" or places they film! :)
I always worry about posting TOO much info just in case some crazy is reading, but robbers beware we already have a house guest/sitter for the week and our neighbors keep watch for us too.
Maybe when we get back we can move into our new house???? ugg...the joys of home ownership. Carpet is getting installed tomorrow which is helping me feel very accomplished these days. Now if only the kitchen was put back together.....one can only hope.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Seriously people, just throw it away or take it to Goodwill.
FREE STUFF (rialto)
CASSETTE TAPES AND LITTLE GIRL CAPRIS (PENDING PICK UP TOMARROW 5/19/09)
- Location: rialto
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Saturday, May 16, 2009
I Spent 2 days at monastery this week seeking healing and direction from God. I heard a lot from him and cried the hardest I've cried in a long time. Came home to the surprise of a new home and still can't get passed one small thing...I have no children to fill either house. Its just us. Even now, writing this my eyes are welling with tears. Oh how I long for kids to hear cry and snuggle with and let run in the yard with nothing but a diaper on. It was the only thing I wanted to talk to God about on my retreat and the only thing he didn't speak about.
One of the hardest parts with being open and honest about our struggle with fertility is that people start to become afraid to tell you they are pregnant. And then when my genuine joy for them is expressed the phrase I hear time and time again is "thank you for being happy for us". As if I wouldn't join them in sharing their joy. And then the great accuser sends lies to attack and all I hear is "they are all looking at you and thinking, poor Amanda she can't conceive. It will NEVER happen for you."
Anyone wanna drop off a kid on my doorstop?
Friday, May 15, 2009
This picture doesn't do it justice I'll post more later.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
This is my car, Lexi. She is 10 years old. She had a little "mishap" in 2004. A gate hit her! Its very expensive to fix the mirror and so I just haven't done it. Plus, I'm so used to having one mirror I haven't noticed or needed it and really it keeps me humble. I say she had a "stroke" that affected her right side. (for some reason the picture flipped, this is actually the passenger side NOT the drivers side, THAT I would have noticed)
This weekend, while on vacation in Florida, my good friend Eddie called and said he was at pick-a-part and found me a mirror!.....anyone else hear angels singing?
So, my sweet Lexi, you will be whole again soon. Just in time for us to trade you in! :) AND all for the low price of $22.00. amazing.
Monday, March 9, 2009
I've wanted to go to Florida for a really long time. My hubby was woo'd by THIS company to come and check out what they offer. We were woo'd.
They wined and dined us on all things Disney and even took us to a Blue Man Group show. It was fantastic! As are all vacations it was too short but we really enjoyed ourselves. What a blessing it was to get away and just be together. It was a kind of 2nd honey moon but this time we didn't pay for it. One of my favorites was eating lunch at the "Sci-fi Dine in" a restaurant in D's Hollywood studios. I wish we had more time to hang out in the studios but we had a flight to catch. The lunch was fun, you sit in old cars and watch clips of classic horror films.
yay for vacations!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Since forever, or as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a parent. Until now I never cared if I actually gave birth to my children or if we bought them or someone just randomly gave us some kids. We are in a place where its actually possible and becoming more of a reality everyday to REALLY become parents. As the saying goes, you have to start somewhere, so thats where we are. We are trying to conceive. God bless the people who can conceive one drunken night but for us, It is not going well. I have a really amazing husband. He has been so supportive, loving and definitely wins the husband of the year award. We had a couple of "tests" done this week, he was happy to learn that he is a "real man" or as our friend so kindly dubbed him a "potent polynesian" (el potante for short).
My hubby always makes me laugh and through the last month and a half of tests he has definitely helped me see the sunshine through his jokes. I have lived with the fear of not being able to conceive for 9 years now and because my God loves me so much he has given us true friends to go through this with. I used to be very scared and ashamed to tell anyone what was going on but the truth is it actually is easier to let people know then to hold it all in.
I really had a hard time understanding how to "give this to God" as everyone will tell you to do when you are in a tough situation. It wasn't until we decided to seek medical help that this became reality for me. I'm in a really good place with God right now. I feel peaceful and quite relieved actually. I think because it is completely out of my hands at this point. I had no choice but to ask for help and give it away. If you would, please pray for us. I figure its like writing a letter to the governor, the more people you have writing, the better response you might get. Here's how to pray for us:
~That we would remain peaceful and relieved
~That God would use our Dr's to speak wisdom and knowledge to us
~That regardless of the outcome, God would be praised and His presence and hope for eternity known.
~We would be a light to others and give them the only hope that is 100% guaranteed
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I prayed for something very small and very specific the other day. I don't know why I don't have more faith that God will answer my prayers. I think most of the time I pray because I know its important to have a relationship with God, but rarely expect results from my requests. But this time, He answered and FAST! Within 10 minutes of my shout out I found out it was answered about the time I was asking for it. God never ceases to amaze me. The best part was that I was reminded that if He can answer even the simplest of my requests, how much more can/will He answer the big ones. I have been learning, painstakingly, how selfish I really am. Lately I've been trying to figure out what dying to myself and letting God truly have control really means. For now, it means simply believing that He will answer me, it just may not be what I want to hear.
Do you hear from God?
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
you ever have one? you know one of those days where you feel like you need a few "little blue pills" just to get through it. I had such a terrible day recently that it was still lingering days later. Just a crappy day that left me totally drained in every way. (Please, for my sake, don't ask why)
Thankfully I believe in God. Seriously, I don't know what I'd do if I had only myself or a few friends to rely on. I had a great time with God today. He met me for a few minutes and reminded me that even when I feel so alone He's there holding me, comforting me and caring for me. He never makes me feel embarrassed or intimidated or, true to my personality, exposed. He just allows me to cry and cry and get it all out. Side Note: Did you know that emotional tears are actually healthy for you? I wish I could really put into words what I learned today. It was more a picture and its exactly what I needed.
I've been going through a study by Beth Moore called "John". Its on the person, not the book but oh so wonderful. She really is a gifted writer and knows how to challenge a person. It made today's realization make so much sense.
That was a random thought.
I hope your week is so much better.