Saturday, September 26, 2009

30 years of healing

Today I turn 30. THIRTY! 30 years old. It seemed my twenties would never end and now they have. Its wierd to actually say, "I'm 30" not twenty-something.
My 20's were quite eventful. I got married just shy of 21, moved 10 times (including a brief stint in Maui) and was divorced by the time I was 26, bought and sold 2 houses then bought and kept 2 more. God called me to serve him at a church full time where I met the love of my life at 27 . The last 2 years of my 20's seemed relatively un-eventful considering the rest. Though not easy by any means they were more stable than the rest. God brought me through so much healing in the last ten years I wouldnt be the woman I am today without it all. He showed me how to forgive people even if they never ask. That forgiveness is His glory not ours, His grace not our revenge. He touched my heart and broke down the wall of hardness and protection that I had worked so hard to build. He asked me to pray blessings on the people who hurt me so badly. He took my pain and softened it so I could share it with others and ease theirs. He gave me a voice.

Perhaps the biggest lessens in healing came this summer. I havent shared this story yet because it wasnt time. The more I thought about sharing the harder it became to find the right "title". Today it seemed the most fitting. Healing. Sometimes you have to endure immense pain to see all that God has to offer, NOT that He at all causes the pain, but simply doesnt butt in and allows us to go through it. In June after months and months of anguish, anger and sadness I learned that for the 1st time I was pregnant. That little blue plus sign was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. Upon seeing it appear I immediately fell on the floor in praise and prayer. I'm still astonished to this day. I truly believed I would never in my life see a positive pregnancy test, without the help of a Doctor. Although I had prayed and begged and pleaded and yelled for it I could not believe it was actually true. I told my dear husband that night and he too was in utter amazement. You see, we were about to head for a much needed vacation to Hawaii the next week. We had been putting off our 1st fertility treatment because of the vacation. We needed to devot an entire month to this process and werent quite ready for all it would bring. We decided to go in July when we were rested and ready. This took us by complete surprise. Though the same day we confirmed it at the hospital our dear friends lost their baby. It was joy and utter sorrow all at the same time.
1 week later, the day we were set to leave for Hawaii I woke up with signs of a distressed pregnancy. I told my husband and called our hospital. They asked us to come in right away. The next 24hours I remember but seem more like a dream. The ultrasound showed nothing but the blood test was a confident positive. I didnt know what to think. I didnt know what to feel. "How could this be happening", "what if this is our only chance", "why". We did go to Hawaii but it was certainly not vacation. I spent the whole week in bed and at the Dr. There were a few happy moments but mostly I felt like I was in a steel bubble all alone. I questioned God more in that month than ever before in my life. "Why would He give me something just to take it away, thats so wrong". "Why couldnt I just be able to be happy and not have sorrow". WHY!!!

What happened next is nothing short of a miracle. Slowly through other parts that needed healing God softened my heart once again and began to show me a glimmer of His plan. Our church was going through a series on miracles and healing at the exact time I needed it. Brilliant. I shared with you that He sent me an angel I had no idea then what He was about to do. Our pastors asked us to stand if we needed healing and to consider praying for healing for others. I stood that Sunday in desperation for Him to heal my heart, it was broken in a million ways. That week I got the 1st email from that angel also praying for healing. I had NEVER before even thought that I needed physical healing. I had lived in this body my whole life and just accepted that this was the way I was made. He slowly began to change my heart and through many conversations with dear friends moved me into a place where I could take a literal leap of faith. My struggle was no longer a struggle it was a journey of faith. A path that I had been specially chosen to walk because God knew me and knew I could handle it. I prayed and asked "God, I believe you can and you will heal me. I believe that you will give us a child, I'm asking you for this with all that I am and am leaping into faith. I also believe that you will again heal my heart if you chose not to heal my body. We will love a child however you give it to us". I also took on a new daily prayer, "God, I'm doing my part, you do the rest" which has become so much more to me now.
We decided that through this new found faith we would again wait to go back to fertility treatments, friends, this was a VERY personal decision and it was what God asked US to do. We still are very grateful for every opportunity those Dr's gave us. My angel wrote the last email to me on August 3rd. She told me of her journey of faith and healing and how God had used me to help her. His plan is ALWAYS better. On August 5th I again had a positive pregnancy test. This one was a little less exciting. The joyful innocence I once had was now gone, yet it was exciting still. I think until about 2 weeks ago I was almost in denial. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop. My prayer is the only thing holding me together, "God, I'm doing my part, you do the rest". Today I am 11 weeks pregnant. We've seen the heartbeat twice, heard it once and pray for it everyday. I am far from being totally healed and I'm sure there are many more years of Gods healing. Its a journey, not a struggle but I am "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." ~Phil 1:6

30 years of healing. Thank you God for thirty years of healing. Please continue to heal me. Thank you for beating hearts and Dr's and ultrasounds. Thank you God for heartburn, stretchmarks and nausea. Thank you God for weight gain, tight pants and large blue veins. Thank you God for exhaustion and hunger. Thank you God for healing me today, please heal me tomorrow. amen. New little angel coming in April.