Oh my heart, my pitiful broken heart. When will I feel the healing hand of my God?
I Spent 2 days at monastery this week seeking healing and direction from God. I heard a lot from him and cried the hardest I've cried in a long time. Came home to the surprise of a new home and still can't get passed one small thing...I have no children to fill either house. Its just us. Even now, writing this my eyes are welling with tears. Oh how I long for kids to hear cry and snuggle with and let run in the yard with nothing but a diaper on. It was the only thing I wanted to talk to God about on my retreat and the only thing he didn't speak about.
One of the hardest parts with being open and honest about our struggle with fertility is that people start to become afraid to tell you they are pregnant. And then when my genuine joy for them is expressed the phrase I hear time and time again is "thank you for being happy for us". As if I wouldn't join them in sharing their joy. And then the great accuser sends lies to attack and all I hear is "they are all looking at you and thinking, poor Amanda she can't conceive. It will NEVER happen for you."
Anyone wanna drop off a kid on my doorstop?
This sucks.
7 comments:
i love you, sister. wish i was there to hug you.
Amanda, You are amazing & thank you for sharing your struggle. You are handling yourself with grace and I will be praying for you! I love you :)
I wish we could get the answers we wanted when we wanted. I don't understand his purpose for the silence in the one area we want answers the most. I love you sister!
I will be praying that God is not quiet for too long. Don't let Satan's lies overwhelm you. Run from them and pray and wait. You have so many people praying with you and you are so loved!
I know how that sucks..the only thing that is worse is to still be single and infertile..it's a double whammy that lots of church people don't get because many times church people haven't experienced either..and, many worship marriage & family as the ultimate Christian lifestyle..even tho, Paul promoted singleness as the most-honoring God lifestyle..so,just my real passionate thoughts..I so love you, dear one!..praying...
Oh sweets.... I wish I had a baby for you. Where is the new wonderful house???? Send the address. Can't wait to see it. I sure hope it has a bigger kitchen.
I love you.
Amanda, I hear you and feel your pain. My hubby and I struggled with infertility for two years. I wanted a child more than anything in the world and God was silent for a long time for me too. Some days I couldn't get out of bed because I couldn't put on my "happy face" and pretend that I was ok. I was sad and angry and constantly on the verge of tears. Everywhere I turned there were pregnant bellies staring me in the face and even to this day, seeing one can sting my heart. Not out of jealousy or envy but just remembering the overwhelming sadness and pain of it. I too, had friends that would feel awkward anytime the subject came up and I would feel bad for making them feel awkward. I don't know you very well but I tell you this to let you know that you are not alone. I understand and I feel for you. God was silent for me too but in the end, I thank Him for the two years that were the hardest of my life. It brought my husband and I closer to Him and closer to each other. Praying for you.
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