Keep on Trek-ing

A girl, a friend, has suffered an incredible loss. She and her husband lost their baby yesterday. They knew it was coming. He had an incurable, untreatable disease. He died just 6 short months after being diagnosed. I cannot stop thinking about them.

His name was Trek Atlas Ingram and in his short 14months of life he lived out his name earning 4 stamps in his passport and traveling the world with his family. Reading and sharing their story over the last 6 months has changed me. Things that were once so important, are not so anymore. Pretty much every day I think, "what would I do differently if I knew today was our last together?" Maybe I should have thought this my whole life but this particular story has changed me. I was so ridged and scheduled and maybe lets say uptight and having babies changed that and now this has loosened me even more. I don't mind snuggling a little longer, letting the dishes or toys or cheerios stay scattered where they are for just a bit longer or staying in our PJ's all day. Life isn't about how much TV I can watch, how many video games I can play, how much money we have, or how clean my house is today. Its just not. Its about loving. At least for me it is.
The Ingram's story is breathtaking. They are one amazing family. The way that Chelsea sacrificed and loves her family is motivating to say the least. She was still nursing Trek because it was the only food he could eat. I think of her every time I nurse my own baby and now over the last 2 days it is ever more heavy on my heart. I cannot, and do not want to imagine their pain. My heart is broken for them, yet changed for the better for my own family.
Please take some time and read about the Ingram family and Trek and all of his travels, and pray for them, please pray they could use a lot of extra love right now.

My heart

I started this blog a long time ago in a effort to embrace realness, honesty and slough off the layers of superficiality that I had so carefully put on.

It has been an emotional year for me. I don't know why life in general has affected me so much. Maybe its the raising a baby and then adding another one in before I had "perfected" the art of producing an amazing, perfect, good hearted, always listens the 1st time, sharing child. Or any of the other countless situations or life lessons I've learned. But it seems lately, that my heart is broken. I could say I don't know why but the truth is its because my great God, my heavenly Father is molding me and continually shaping me.

I think I've let my guard down...just a little. Opened up and unknowingly embraced Gods mercy and grace. I say unknowingly because I cannot pin point a moment that I chose it or sought it, it just showed up one day.

I shared with a dear new friend the other day about when I did knowingly choose and seek out community and close friends and real, raw relationships. It was the point in which I felt like all my pieces were breaking faster than I could pick them up. I couldn't hide anymore. Divine.

Oh the joy in embracing the pain simply because I could do it with someone else by my side, letting God heal me and move on.

Im not saying it doesn't hurt to remember, let alone talk about, but it is easier to live with and I can breathe now.

I had formed good, heathly, honest friendships and married my love and then as things and people do, it changed. Friends moved on to places God was calling them and others dwindled past the honeymoon stages, conflicts happened and babies were born. And once again, I find myself in a place of utter broken-ness. But this time its a good place. Its like a massage or going to the chiropractor, it hurts good.

I was so sad about a recent relationship change and did some soul searching to understand why I just couldn't shake the sadness. It hit me, it was because this time I had really loved and loved hard and I didn't want to lose a friend. So it just becomes a little harder to connect and I need to be more intentional about it. But, I won't let it go. It means too much.

I stole this from another blog, I hope she doesn't mind. It is what inspired me today.

Try as we may, we don’t get to custom-build our happiest moments. Instead, they sneak up on us. They show up, ready or not, in everyday acts of love and grace—a lazy summer night with all the windows open and the fans blowing, a love note on a post-it stuck to the mirror, an unloaded dishwasher, the smell of home after a long road trip, forgiveness, perseverance, chocolate-chip pancakes, a finished project, a shared history, laughing until you pee in your pants a little, that hug that feels like the safest place in the world.

Unbearable

When Alamea was just a few weeks old a very sweet friend told me, "I know, at times, that parenting can feel almost unbearable". Hearing this brought tears to my eyes because that was exactly how I was feeling. Thoughts like "Can I really handle 2 babies at different stages at the same time all by myself?" sent me into tailspins of overwhelming days. "A" is now a little over 5 months and those unbearable days are certainly abundant, but, I have survived. My most recent unbearable went a little like this:

Wake up 1.5 hours early, because the children woke up 1.5 hours early because of teething and colds

Try to make breakfast for child #1, while child #2 SCREAMS her head off (and yes, we have housemates currently)

Try to quiet screaming child so housemates can sleep, continue breakfast

Put child #1 in high chair to eat, feed child #2 who simultaneously has a major poop-splosion

get child #1 out of high chair because she's yelling "OUT", "OUT", "OUT"

Change child #2's diaper and clothes and socks

Discover that while I was changing child #2, Child #1 has taken off her clothes AND diaper and peed on the kitchen floor

While cleaning up urine pool in kitchen, said child #1 comes running out of her bedroom saying "mommy, that, mommy that"

Discover that while I was cleaning urine pool in kitchen, she POOPED on the floor in her room. O.M.G...

put child #1 on toilet (perhaps a little late, but oh well lets keep her contained) to clean up poop, and discover she has peed AGAIN but hasn't learned yet how to aim DOWN, so it sprayed straight out.

Clean up MORE URINE off floor, toilet and child. Wash child from poop and pee. Re-diaper, re-clothe child.

Take deep breathe, put on a sweatshirt over my braless, nursing tank only clad, still has too much baby weight self, throw on shoes, put all the children in the car and drive through Starbucks for a Venti Caramel Machiato and venti water. Child #1 from the

backseat apparently has become aware of what a drive thru is because she is yelling "mommy, food, mommy food".

So on to Del taco for an extra large fry, Dr pepper and kids meal for her. Then out for a drive because that was too short of an outing to just go home and they are not even asleep yet.

This is when the crazy thoughts come in...."lets sell everything and go live in Thailand so I can afford a maid", yea, stuff like that.

This is all before noon, a normal day for me. Plus ya know, laundry, meal planning, groceries, sweeping, moping, cleaning out toys, rotating clothes sizes, vacuuming, dishes etc...

Unbearable.

Since A was born I just haven't been myself. Doing things, saying things and feeling things, I would N.E.V.E.R do or say or feel. I have at times I'll admit been a bit on the "crazy side" just trying to survive. I hear ALL.The.Time from older women things like, oh your kids are so close, you will just love it when they are older. Yay, Ok. Well, in the meantime can you come live with me so I can take a shower today maybe?

I love my kids, a truly unbelievable love that I thought for sure I would never know and now I do. I love when they say new words, make funny faces, look lovingly at me and sweetly say mommy, hold my hand, sleep next to me and want to copy what I'm doing because I am their mom. But there are days that are almost unbearable. I hope I never forget these almost unbearables, so that I can help others in those days, and be there for my kids, and remember my place in life.

My God may not have given me the unbearable, He simply lets me go through them so that I might have a greater appreciation of what He has done for me. He gave it all, and without Starbucks I might add. His days were surely unbearable yet He still chose to walk and die for me. I am one lucky girl, blessed beyond measure with a few days of hard times to remind me I am not alone and cannot do this by myself.

Thanks for loving me, even in my crazy.

Life.....

Our friends had a baby today. It brought back so many emotions for me that I fought tears almost the whole time we were visiting with them. I cant believe its been almost 5 months. Our baby, our tiny little 5lb 6oz baby, is 11 lbs now, rolls around, smiles and laughs and sleeps through the night. Life. It goes so fast.

I remember being so sad that I didnt feel this overwhelming sense of love for her. I felt love, just differently. Mostly I felt this overwhelming sense of protection. Thats probably what helped me for those middle of the night feedings and days of 3 hour sleep. I feel it now. Once I got that first little response from her I was flooded with Love. We were SO unprepared for her arrival. I told myself she wasnt coming for at least 4 weeks. Mostly I think I was still in denial that we were actually having a baby. For 8.5 months it was so surreal and now 5 months later I still say everyday, "shes really, really here and shes really, really ours". Well, mostly ours. Shes Gods gift to us for a while. That reality is the only thing that kept me from going crazy and thinking she died in her sleep everyday. 3 days in I said "I cant do this". and that night was the first night I prayed over her thanking God for her life so far and giving her back to Him fully. I still do it everyday but add a few other things in that prayer now.

I read a blog that makes me cry everytime I read her posts. Angie lost her husband in a racing accident. Her blog is such raw emotions written for the world to read. She speaks truthfully and boldly about her journey through grief. I just read one of her posts and it brought me to tears. This to me, is the best part.

the hopes we had once

not too long before

shared.

hopes that

then

and now

belong just to me.

all your hopes

now fulfilled

and here i am

wondering what to do next.

life. I cannot imagine not having the Hope in Christ to keep me grounded and remind me that...There. Is. More. To. This. Life. His hopes are now fulfilled because he is with Christ for eternity. But she still wants him back and misses him everyday. I dont know what I would do without Mike in this world my heart would be forever torn.

If you think about it say a prayer for her. Shes been through a lot.

we've been a little busy....

Its been a while to say the least. These last 4 months since K was born have flown by. I find myself saying "when she was little" but shes only 4months now! :) In my own defense she was TINY for so long. She has really started to grow and gain good weight now. Up to about 11 lbs, and long, shes gonna be tall. When its Mikes turn to watch her, I generally come home to find them asleep in all sorts of places and positions. These are some of my favorites.



We've traveled with her and done all sorts of fun things. We went to Hawaii at the end of June to see Mikes family then K and I stayed until July 22nd on Maui with my brother and his family.

This is at Sharks Cove on the North Shore. It was a first for both K and I. Her Daddy is SO happy that she LOVES the water.

I cannot believe we have a kid. I look at her everyday and think..."she's really ours". Thank you Jesus for dreams come true and many, many, many prayers answered. :)

Keona Uluwehi Evangeline HePing

"God's gracious gift growing in beauty bringing good news of peace"
Yes, we know. Its a big name for a little girl.
Keona was born Friday March 26th, 2010 at 1:40pm
She weighed 6lbs 3oz and is 19 inches.
She is lovely and we are in love. Even one week later it is still so surreal. We have a kid. A real live human being we are charged with raising. It is exciting and scary all at the same time.

I developed pre eclampsia and went in for a non-stress test on Thursday and they wouldnt let us leave. :( She was 3 weeks early but perfect. Labor was different than I expected but so worth it in the end. There are no words to explain the flood of emotions when she was born. My hubby was unbelievably amazing the whole time. He prayed over me and reminded me so many times how he believed in me and that he knew I could do this. My body was designed to give birth. He was a rock and still is. Watching him father our baby girl makes me cry with delight and pure joy.

We had a rough start with feeding and jaundice but things are looking up today. I dont know how we would've made it without all our friends and family supporting us. They have been wonderful. Food, cleaning, sleep help. We are blessed.

Thank you Jesus for this gift. Thank you for this time of remembering what you did for our souls. Thank you for the cross and for sacrificing your life for ours. I am just now beginning to understand the love you have for me as your daughter and why you would do such a thing to save me from evil. Thank you for letting me see you in my daughters eyes and cry and smiles and when she is sleeping.

Blast from the past

I was putting some things away this weekend and found a box of old childrens books my mom gave me. In the box was my baby book. Its old and seriously 70's, but full of sweet things. I sat down and looked through it and got all emotional. My mom had saved cards from when I was born and from a few early birthdays. They were so sweet. Sweet notes from my grandparents who are no longer living and lists of gifts and people who came to visit my parents in the hospital. It really made the fact that I am going to have a baby in 6 weeks so REAL. The cards had "congratulations on your new baby girl" and "Welcome baby girl" written on them and it just hit home. We are having a girl, a daughter, a family.
I also found a box I had saved of my own baby clothes my Mom gave me to use for dolls when I was little. It was so fun to see pictures of me in them and have the actual dress right in front of me.
People have been SO generous. Gifts and hand me downs have been pouring in, she will want for nothing. I think my favorite gift is a photo album Mike's mom sent me of when he was born. Its so sweet. All black and white photos and old, old, old medical equipment. The best are the photos of Mikes Dad suited head to toe in scrubs and masks and gloves. My how things have changed. We are really missing him right now. He would have loved to meet his Granddaughter.
33weeks and 6days. She'll be here soon!

Coupons have changed my life

i have been wanting to post this for a little while. I didnt want to share with the world my secret, sorta wanted to bask in it for a while, but really EVERYONE needs this one.
In an effort to make some long term goals and to save some $ in preparation for this baby's birth I went to a class on coupons. At first I thought "oh, great, what is she going to teach me about using coupons". Seriously, whats so hard, you see the stuff you want, you cut them out you take them to the store that week and use them. BAM, 45cents off a $5 product. Saving money right?
No sir-ee.
2.5 hours later my mind was spinning. Honestly, I was more ashamed at how much money I was wasting, and shocked at how often I was getting ripped off by simple mistakes.

I know what your thinking..."I use coupons sometimes", "I shop at a place that is already low priced without coupons" or my favorite, "I dont have time for that". Trust me friends YOU have time. If you care about your family or wanting to save $ you will find time. Just get off Facebook for an hour. :)

So, here's my 1st tid bit of the secret life of couponing....I follow a blog that tells me what to do. That blog right now is....www.hip2save.com

I went to the class in December and can tell you it helped save me $100's of dollars at Christmas. I'm stockpiling diapers.....8 packs (30-45diapers each) of organic, chlorine free diapers and 4 tubs of wipes for $32 TOTAL! Now, tell me you dont have time.

Check back soon for a fun post of one of my shopping trips....but mostly CHECK OUT THAT site. I promise you will be inspired.

Confessions from a sick pregnant lady

I'm sick. I'm sick of being sick. Had the flu in November and now a nasty cold. As if I couldnt sleep already, now I can't breathe either. ugh. Though it is a perfect day to stay home, cozy and resting. All this rain is no reason to leave the house.
It certainly feels like Christmas is coming now though. Sadly, I havent cracked open a box of my decorations. Not one.
Confession #1
Our neighbors had lights up the day after Thanksgiving. Today, December 7th, I STILL have pumpkins on my porch (leftovers from Halloween that I turned around and put fake flowers in)

Confession #2
Thanksgiving is still lingering on my back porch. I had planned on putting it all away on Friday (black Friday) but was so pooped from Thanksgiving itself that we slept in til 10 and then went shopping and then came home and napped and then went to the Mission Inn Festival of Lights. Now, I'm sick and its been a week and half and there it sits. Dont worry, all the dishes are done.

Confession #3
I put dishes in the sink, like someone else is going to wash them. We (I) purposely bought a HUGE single bowl, deep sink, so I could hide my dirty little secret until I get enough energy to wash them. See, you can't even see dinner leftovers in there. amazing. But you can see my unfinished backsplash, dead plant and guests forgotten thanksgiving dishes.

Confession #4
I'm SO over Jon and Kate. but not the way everyone else is. Yes, I think its sad, yes I think the kids are suffering but I'm sick of hearing everyone judge Kate. She freely admits that she over-reacted a lot and that the stress of having 8 kids was a huge part of it, which is more than Jon has said. All he's done is bashed the mother of his 8 kids and paraded his girlfriends around in the lime light. All I'm sayin is....film my life and chop it up into 28minute segments and I'd look like her too. (well not physically, but you get the point) Thank goodness Tiger's dirty little secrets are overshadowing the Gosselins, poor lady needs a break.

You can chalk #4 up to being sick and watching a lot of Tivo'd shows.

Confession #5
I feel like I've been very negative lately. My love language is words of affirmation. One of the traits is that I know everything wrong with me before anyone has to say anything. But really, since I've been pregnant I just have no tolerance. I have so much more to worry about and care about that I just say what I think so I dont waste anymore time. So, If I've offended you or sounded way too negative I'm sorry. Its being worked on. You can pray for me.

Lastly...confession #6
With a brief stint in the kitchen to make dinner and wash infamous dishes I've been on the couch since I came home from work at 1pm. I can just hear myself getting fatter. :)

I wish I could chalk the confessions up to being drugged and sick, but I cannot take anything to make myself feel better except sudefed and tylenol which does nothing. So, take #5 and apply here.

Happy thanksgiving and happy beginning of Christmas! :)

The Verdict is in.....

19.3 week Sweet baby.....GIRL!
The poll was 76% girl. They were right. We are having a daughter. We are still in shock a little but excited. Its becoming so real now. I can hardly believe it. She's kicking an moving tons. It mostly feels like pressure changes but now that I know what it is I can tell its HER! She likes to kick my bladder a lot. During the ultrasound she had both feet on and kicking away. only 20 more weeks to go until we get to meet her face to face.
oh boy...er I mean girl! :)

Snips and Snails or Sugar and Spice?

We go on Monday to find out if we are having a boy or girl.
Mike is pulling for a boy...you know all that coaching sports thing.
I really think its a girl.
What do you think???? Take our poll below.

What I am looking forward to

A friend asked me today what I am looking forward to about this baby.
I am a planner and Mike is sure it is a boy so we are going to find out the sex. I am convinced we are having a girl. It really doesnt matter to us we are just so happy to have this family, even for the weeks we already have! So here's my list.

~I look forward to seeing what this baby looks like, the face and the hair and all the things that make my hubby and I unique put together perfectly in another person God formed.
~I look forward to knowing his or her personality and the traits that they pick up from us.
~I look forward to seeing my husband be a father. Something he desires more than I do for him.
~I look forward to having to be selfless for someone else everyday because there are children that dont get to experience the joy of being wanted, desparately.

God is teaching me to be obedient. I know that sounds weird but its true. Be obedient in talking with and spending time with Him even when I dont feel good and want to just veg-out in bed all day. To rely on Him to change my heart and teach me patience so that the enemy has no place to hold on to.

I'm tired and nothing fits right, I have terrible skin, my nose is stuffy and bleeding, i'm starving and my tailbone hurts. Its hard growing a human, harder than I thought but its a joy everyday to be reminded of this miracle. I think I feel him or her moving every once in a while and those few seconds make it all worth it.

This morning I was brushing my teeth and thanking God for running water. When things are hard what can you find to be happy about? If you are down financially, do you have food to eat? Do you have 1 warm sweater or jacket? There is a person that asked for some help because he is sleeping under the trees. He made me be grateful for the gas in my car, shoes on my feet, flannel sheets on my bed and WARM water in my home. Nicole Nordeman sings a song called "Gratitude" makes me cry everytime, this is my favorite part.....

"Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time

Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread..."

Life...

I stole this from a friends blog. She was such a big encouragement to me when we were going through fertility testing. I find it quite fitting and will surely read it time and time again in the coming year.

Most people miss their whole lives, you know. Listen, life isn't when you are standing on top of a mountain looking at the sunset. Life isn't waiting at the altar or the moment your child is born or that time you were swimming in deep water and a dolphin came up alongside you. These are fragments. 10 or 12 grains of sand spread throughout your entire existence. These are not life. Life is brushing your teeth or making a sandwich or watching the news or waiting for the bus. Or walking. Every day, thousands of tiny events happen and if you're not watching, if you're not careful, if you don't capture them and make them count, you could miss it. You could miss your whole life." Addition by Toni Jordan

So true. Lately my hubby and I have tried to pray prayers of praise instead of asking. I feel so light after I spend time thanking God for all He has given us and not complaining about the little things. What can you thank God for today?
"Thank you God for heartburn and ever-growing body parts. Thank you for bad skin and weird pains. Thank you for tiredness, dry skin and food cravings. They all remind me of the miracle you are knitting inside me. Thank you for these daily reminders"

The Peach

We had a fun ultrasound yesterday. They were measuring the neck and checking out the growth. It was just a nice reassurance from God. The baby is about the size of a peach this week. 2.5 to 3 inches from the top of his head to the tailbone (not including legs). Since the books refer to him as a peach I say we should name him James, as in "James and the Giant Peach". No, we do not know if we are being blessed with a boy or girl yet but we both feel strongly that its a boy. A few more weeks and we will know for sure. until then....

30 years of healing

Today I turn 30. THIRTY! 30 years old. It seemed my twenties would never end and now they have. Its wierd to actually say, "I'm 30" not twenty-something.
My 20's were quite eventful. I got married just shy of 21, moved 10 times (including a brief stint in Maui) and was divorced by the time I was 26, bought and sold 2 houses then bought and kept 2 more. God called me to serve him at a church full time where I met the love of my life at 27 . The last 2 years of my 20's seemed relatively un-eventful considering the rest. Though not easy by any means they were more stable than the rest. God brought me through so much healing in the last ten years I wouldnt be the woman I am today without it all. He showed me how to forgive people even if they never ask. That forgiveness is His glory not ours, His grace not our revenge. He touched my heart and broke down the wall of hardness and protection that I had worked so hard to build. He asked me to pray blessings on the people who hurt me so badly. He took my pain and softened it so I could share it with others and ease theirs. He gave me a voice.

Perhaps the biggest lessens in healing came this summer. I havent shared this story yet because it wasnt time. The more I thought about sharing the harder it became to find the right "title". Today it seemed the most fitting. Healing. Sometimes you have to endure immense pain to see all that God has to offer, NOT that He at all causes the pain, but simply doesnt butt in and allows us to go through it. In June after months and months of anguish, anger and sadness I learned that for the 1st time I was pregnant. That little blue plus sign was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. Upon seeing it appear I immediately fell on the floor in praise and prayer. I'm still astonished to this day. I truly believed I would never in my life see a positive pregnancy test, without the help of a Doctor. Although I had prayed and begged and pleaded and yelled for it I could not believe it was actually true. I told my dear husband that night and he too was in utter amazement. You see, we were about to head for a much needed vacation to Hawaii the next week. We had been putting off our 1st fertility treatment because of the vacation. We needed to devot an entire month to this process and werent quite ready for all it would bring. We decided to go in July when we were rested and ready. This took us by complete surprise. Though the same day we confirmed it at the hospital our dear friends lost their baby. It was joy and utter sorrow all at the same time.
1 week later, the day we were set to leave for Hawaii I woke up with signs of a distressed pregnancy. I told my husband and called our hospital. They asked us to come in right away. The next 24hours I remember but seem more like a dream. The ultrasound showed nothing but the blood test was a confident positive. I didnt know what to think. I didnt know what to feel. "How could this be happening", "what if this is our only chance", "why". We did go to Hawaii but it was certainly not vacation. I spent the whole week in bed and at the Dr. There were a few happy moments but mostly I felt like I was in a steel bubble all alone. I questioned God more in that month than ever before in my life. "Why would He give me something just to take it away, thats so wrong". "Why couldnt I just be able to be happy and not have sorrow". WHY!!!

What happened next is nothing short of a miracle. Slowly through other parts that needed healing God softened my heart once again and began to show me a glimmer of His plan. Our church was going through a series on miracles and healing at the exact time I needed it. Brilliant. I shared with you that He sent me an angel I had no idea then what He was about to do. Our pastors asked us to stand if we needed healing and to consider praying for healing for others. I stood that Sunday in desperation for Him to heal my heart, it was broken in a million ways. That week I got the 1st email from that angel also praying for healing. I had NEVER before even thought that I needed physical healing. I had lived in this body my whole life and just accepted that this was the way I was made. He slowly began to change my heart and through many conversations with dear friends moved me into a place where I could take a literal leap of faith. My struggle was no longer a struggle it was a journey of faith. A path that I had been specially chosen to walk because God knew me and knew I could handle it. I prayed and asked "God, I believe you can and you will heal me. I believe that you will give us a child, I'm asking you for this with all that I am and am leaping into faith. I also believe that you will again heal my heart if you chose not to heal my body. We will love a child however you give it to us". I also took on a new daily prayer, "God, I'm doing my part, you do the rest" which has become so much more to me now.
We decided that through this new found faith we would again wait to go back to fertility treatments, friends, this was a VERY personal decision and it was what God asked US to do. We still are very grateful for every opportunity those Dr's gave us. My angel wrote the last email to me on August 3rd. She told me of her journey of faith and healing and how God had used me to help her. His plan is ALWAYS better. On August 5th I again had a positive pregnancy test. This one was a little less exciting. The joyful innocence I once had was now gone, yet it was exciting still. I think until about 2 weeks ago I was almost in denial. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop. My prayer is the only thing holding me together, "God, I'm doing my part, you do the rest". Today I am 11 weeks pregnant. We've seen the heartbeat twice, heard it once and pray for it everyday. I am far from being totally healed and I'm sure there are many more years of Gods healing. Its a journey, not a struggle but I am "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." ~Phil 1:6

30 years of healing. Thank you God for thirty years of healing. Please continue to heal me. Thank you for beating hearts and Dr's and ultrasounds. Thank you God for heartburn, stretchmarks and nausea. Thank you God for weight gain, tight pants and large blue veins. Thank you God for exhaustion and hunger. Thank you God for healing me today, please heal me tomorrow. amen. New little angel coming in April.

update....

Update #1
Sorry for leaving you in suspense. My new friend did end up miscarrying. Although very sad her words are simply amazing...here's a sneak at them "this whole thing has really brought me closer to him than i have ever been before because i have learned how to be honest in my relationship with him and how to let him love me where Im at. I learned that i cant get any place else, until I feel loved and accepted right where Im at."

What wisdom! loved and accepted right where I'm at! If only we all could experience this.

Update #2
We MOVED IN! Finally! Although definitely NOT ideal we did get moved into the new house. Theres still SO much to do at both places but I can say at this point we are making progress. We overlooked 1 small, tiny, miniscule thing in the renovations....a pantry. We re-worked the layout of the original kitchen and had intended to build a pantry in the laundry room but with everything else taking priority we forgot to measure.
Before...

After...

Our laundry machines are able to stack but I prefer them side by side. So with the machines and water heater we have a whopping 24 inches wide left for pantry shelves. So this is our make shift pantry for now!

I'm grateful for anything and it just makes me pull out my creativity! I know we have so much to be grateful for. Thank you Lord for the food that fills these shelves!
More to come later!!

Childlike faith

One little part of my job is to stand at a table on Sunday and answer questions about our church. I usually meet very interesting people but I enjoy getting to greet them and give them just a little glimpse of God's love. This Sunday was really unique. The 1st person I spoke with was a young girl, she made eye contact with me and walked straight from the exit doors to me. The words that came next continue to amaze me. She said, "is there someone who can pray with me", I said sure, I can do that whats going on? She continued, "I am pregnant and had my 1st Dr's appt last week. They told me my baby didnt have a heartbeat, but I havent yet begun to miscarry".
Through the course of our conversation I realized how much God wanted us to meet. The odds are unquestionable that it was God. I am continuing to communicate with her as she sees her Dr. this week to determine what to do. She has chosen to wait and see what God will do, there are lots of tests her Dr. is running but it seems like an eternal wait to me. She's had at least 2 ultrasounds on different days and both show no heartbeat. I dont know that I could wait like her.

What I am learning through her is childlike faith. She said she has seen her 7mo pregnant friend be told that her baby had died and when she went in the next day (after much prayer) to deliver, the baby was alive again. She believes that God can do that with her tiny baby. She just keeps saying how much more faith she has because of this. Her Dr. even told her that she can keep waiting and that he has seen "bigger miracles than this". I have had so many disappointments that it is hard for me to believe like she is. God is slowly changing this in me, shaping me into the daughter He wants me to be. A friend told me yesterday how we say we are "trusting God" but that we need to remember He is trustworthy. That shook me hard. Am I just saying I'm trusting God or am I truly believing He is trustworthy? That I should believe like her, not remembering disappointment but believing in His power that He will NOT disappoint me. And remembering when it doesnt go the way I pleaded that it is simply because He knows the future and whats best and will answer in love. THESE sermon messages have come at a desperate time for me. Listen to them, they will change you. (6/28 through 7/19)

So, if you think of her or me would you join us in praying for this miracle? Please pray for Baby G and his mama, and for faith like a child for me.

An angel

God sent me an angel today. The last month has been nothing short of unbelievable in good and bad. I have seen and felt and heard God's goodness and today he sent me an email from an angel. This is some of what it said....

" I have been thinking about the two of you more and more. I'm not sure if your physical body needs healing but I know that if you are anything like me, the struggle to get pregnant has taken a toll on your mental health. For the next 28 days, I will be fervently praying for you instead of myself. Every time I begin to think about how I would decorate the empty room in my house, or what names I like, I will be praying that God give you the desires of your heart. I will be praying for your marriage; that it continues to strengthen and that you will continue to fall in love with your husband more and more each day. I pray that you will let all unforgiveness and guilt and anger go. If your body needs healing, I pray that God bring that to you. I pray that you find peace. I don't know if I am the one designed to pray for you but it can't hurt. I no longer want to be selfish in my prayers".

The last few weeks have been filled with utter joy and totally devastation. I dont think I've ever in my life felt so many conflicting emotions. Today was the first day I realized I actually felt normal again and then I received this email. I sit with tears flowing and heart absolutely amazed and filled with love.
So sweet angel, I will pay it forward and do the same for someone else.You have challenged me to think outside my own box. Thank you for showing me God's goodness today. Thank you for living our vision of being real. Thank you for stepping out in faith and sharing with me how God has spoken to you. I know that through your love and obedience you will be blessed. My dear sweet friend, I bless you with truth and the ability to feel hope as you trudge through the unknown future.
We know the ending of the story, God wins everytime.

P.s. The definition of "trudge" is...

trudge
   n : a long difficult walk
   v 1: walk heavily and firmly

Firmly. Set on the firm foundation of our great savior. Heavily, knowing 
that the ground you are firmly walking on is supported by Christ.

Hope

Today I needed hope. I spent a good amount of time in prayer last night and Hope was what God needed me to have. Today I read about it and hope it gives you hope too. I have meditated on these verses for months and they mean so much more to me today. I was reminded that I already have hope, I just forgot I had it and forgot to see it.

~Romans 5:3,4&5 (NLT)

We can rejoice too when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this HOPE will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly GOD LOVES US, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love.

Hawaii

in T minus 5 days. woot.
We go to Hawaii at least twice a year. My hubby grew up on Oahu and much of his family is still there. This trip is special though. We get to take a few friends with us this time. My brother, sister-in-law and niece live on Maui and we are going to stay with them a few days too. The irony is that Mikes mom has been staying with us for a week here in Cali and she's flying back with us next week, but she has some work to do on other islands so we wont even see her until late in the week. Of all the times I've been to Hawaii there is still so much I haven't done. Eat shave ice for one. Never had it in HI ever. Thats on my list to do this time. Since we are avid followers of LOST
we will be trying to drive and see some of the "islands secrets" or places they film! :)
I always worry about posting TOO much info just in case some crazy is reading, but robbers beware we already have a house guest/sitter for the week and our neighbors keep watch for us too.
Maybe when we get back we can move into our new house???? ugg...the joys of home ownership. Carpet is getting installed tomorrow which is helping me feel very accomplished these days. Now if only the kitchen was put back together.....one can only hope.