Thursday, April 19, 2012

My heart

I started this blog a long time ago in a effort to embrace realness, honesty and slough off the layers of superficiality that I had so carefully put on.
It has been an emotional year for me. I don't know why life in general has affected me so much. Maybe its the raising a baby and then adding another one in before I had "perfected" the art of producing an amazing, perfect, good hearted, always listens the 1st time, sharing child. Or any of the other countless situations or life lessons I've learned. But it seems lately, that my heart is broken. I could say I don't know why but the truth is its because my great God, my heavenly Father is molding me and continually shaping me.

I think I've let my guard down...just a little. Opened up and unknowingly embraced Gods mercy and grace. I say unknowingly because I cannot pin point a moment that I chose it or sought it, it just showed up one day.
I shared with a dear new friend the other day about when I did knowingly choose and seek out community and close friends and real, raw relationships. It was the point in which I felt like all my pieces were breaking faster than I could pick them up. I couldn't hide anymore. Divine.
Oh the joy in embracing the pain simply because I could do it with someone else by my side, letting God heal me and move on.
Im not saying it doesn't hurt to remember, let alone talk about, but it is easier to live with and I can breathe now.
I had formed good, heathly, honest friendships and married my love and then as things and people do, it changed. Friends moved on to places God was calling them and others dwindled past the honeymoon stages, conflicts happened and babies were born. And once again, I find myself in a place of utter broken-ness. But this time its a good place. Its like a massage or going to the chiropractor, it hurts good.
I was so sad about a recent relationship change and did some soul searching to understand why I just couldn't shake the sadness. It hit me, it was because this time I had really loved and loved hard and I didn't want to lose a friend. So it just becomes a little harder to connect and I need to be more intentional about it. But, I won't let it go. It means too much.

I stole this from another blog, I hope she doesn't mind. It is what inspired me today.

Try as we may, we don’t get to custom-build our happiest moments. Instead, they sneak up on us. They show up, ready or not, in everyday acts of love and grace—a lazy summer night with all the windows open and the fans blowing, a love note on a post-it stuck to the mirror, an unloaded dishwasher, the smell of home after a long road trip, forgiveness, perseverance, chocolate-chip pancakes, a finished project, a shared history, laughing until you pee in your pants a little, that hug that feels like the safest place in the world.

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