Saturday, August 14, 2010


Our friends had a baby today. It brought back so many emotions for me that I fought tears almost the whole time we were visiting with them. I cant believe its been almost 5 months. Our baby, our tiny little 5lb 6oz baby, is 11 lbs now, rolls around, smiles and laughs and sleeps through the night. Life. It goes so fast.

I remember being so sad that I didnt feel this overwhelming sense of love for her. I felt love, just differently. Mostly I felt this overwhelming sense of protection. Thats probably what helped me for those middle of the night feedings and days of 3 hour sleep. I feel it now. Once I got that first little response from her I was flooded with Love. We were SO unprepared for her arrival. I told myself she wasnt coming for at least 4 weeks. Mostly I think I was still in denial that we were actually having a baby. For 8.5 months it was so surreal and now 5 months later I still say everyday, "shes really, really here and shes really, really ours". Well, mostly ours. Shes Gods gift to us for a while. That reality is the only thing that kept me from going crazy and thinking she died in her sleep everyday. 3 days in I said "I cant do this". and that night was the first night I prayed over her thanking God for her life so far and giving her back to Him fully. I still do it everyday but add a few other things in that prayer now.

I read a blog that makes me cry everytime I read her posts. Angie lost her husband in a racing accident. Her blog is such raw emotions written for the world to read. She speaks truthfully and boldly about her journey through grief. I just read one of her posts and it brought me to tears. This to me, is the best part.

the hopes we had once

not too long before


hopes that


and now

belong just to me.

all your hopes

now fulfilled

and here i am

wondering what to do next.

life. I cannot imagine not having the Hope in Christ to keep me grounded and remind me that...There. Is. More. To. This. Life. His hopes are now fulfilled because he is with Christ for eternity. But she still wants him back and misses him everyday. I dont know what I would do without Mike in this world my heart would be forever torn.

If you think about it say a prayer for her. Shes been through a lot.

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