Keep on Trek-ing

A girl, a friend, has suffered an incredible loss. She and her husband lost their baby yesterday. They knew it was coming. He had an incurable, untreatable disease. He died just 6 short months after being diagnosed. I cannot stop thinking about them.

His name was Trek Atlas Ingram and in his short 14months of life he lived out his name earning 4 stamps in his passport and traveling the world with his family. Reading and sharing their story over the last 6 months has changed me. Things that were once so important, are not so anymore. Pretty much every day I think, "what would I do differently if I knew today was our last together?" Maybe I should have thought this my whole life but this particular story has changed me. I was so ridged and scheduled and maybe lets say uptight and having babies changed that and now this has loosened me even more. I don't mind snuggling a little longer, letting the dishes or toys or cheerios stay scattered where they are for just a bit longer or staying in our PJ's all day. Life isn't about how much TV I can watch, how many video games I can play, how much money we have, or how clean my house is today. Its just not. Its about loving. At least for me it is.
The Ingram's story is breathtaking. They are one amazing family. The way that Chelsea sacrificed and loves her family is motivating to say the least. She was still nursing Trek because it was the only food he could eat. I think of her every time I nurse my own baby and now over the last 2 days it is ever more heavy on my heart. I cannot, and do not want to imagine their pain. My heart is broken for them, yet changed for the better for my own family.
Please take some time and read about the Ingram family and Trek and all of his travels, and pray for them, please pray they could use a lot of extra love right now.

My heart

I started this blog a long time ago in a effort to embrace realness, honesty and slough off the layers of superficiality that I had so carefully put on.

It has been an emotional year for me. I don't know why life in general has affected me so much. Maybe its the raising a baby and then adding another one in before I had "perfected" the art of producing an amazing, perfect, good hearted, always listens the 1st time, sharing child. Or any of the other countless situations or life lessons I've learned. But it seems lately, that my heart is broken. I could say I don't know why but the truth is its because my great God, my heavenly Father is molding me and continually shaping me.

I think I've let my guard down...just a little. Opened up and unknowingly embraced Gods mercy and grace. I say unknowingly because I cannot pin point a moment that I chose it or sought it, it just showed up one day.

I shared with a dear new friend the other day about when I did knowingly choose and seek out community and close friends and real, raw relationships. It was the point in which I felt like all my pieces were breaking faster than I could pick them up. I couldn't hide anymore. Divine.

Oh the joy in embracing the pain simply because I could do it with someone else by my side, letting God heal me and move on.

Im not saying it doesn't hurt to remember, let alone talk about, but it is easier to live with and I can breathe now.

I had formed good, heathly, honest friendships and married my love and then as things and people do, it changed. Friends moved on to places God was calling them and others dwindled past the honeymoon stages, conflicts happened and babies were born. And once again, I find myself in a place of utter broken-ness. But this time its a good place. Its like a massage or going to the chiropractor, it hurts good.

I was so sad about a recent relationship change and did some soul searching to understand why I just couldn't shake the sadness. It hit me, it was because this time I had really loved and loved hard and I didn't want to lose a friend. So it just becomes a little harder to connect and I need to be more intentional about it. But, I won't let it go. It means too much.

I stole this from another blog, I hope she doesn't mind. It is what inspired me today.

Try as we may, we don’t get to custom-build our happiest moments. Instead, they sneak up on us. They show up, ready or not, in everyday acts of love and grace—a lazy summer night with all the windows open and the fans blowing, a love note on a post-it stuck to the mirror, an unloaded dishwasher, the smell of home after a long road trip, forgiveness, perseverance, chocolate-chip pancakes, a finished project, a shared history, laughing until you pee in your pants a little, that hug that feels like the safest place in the world.

Unbearable

When Alamea was just a few weeks old a very sweet friend told me, "I know, at times, that parenting can feel almost unbearable". Hearing this brought tears to my eyes because that was exactly how I was feeling. Thoughts like "Can I really handle 2 babies at different stages at the same time all by myself?" sent me into tailspins of overwhelming days. "A" is now a little over 5 months and those unbearable days are certainly abundant, but, I have survived. My most recent unbearable went a little like this:

Wake up 1.5 hours early, because the children woke up 1.5 hours early because of teething and colds

Try to make breakfast for child #1, while child #2 SCREAMS her head off (and yes, we have housemates currently)

Try to quiet screaming child so housemates can sleep, continue breakfast

Put child #1 in high chair to eat, feed child #2 who simultaneously has a major poop-splosion

get child #1 out of high chair because she's yelling "OUT", "OUT", "OUT"

Change child #2's diaper and clothes and socks

Discover that while I was changing child #2, Child #1 has taken off her clothes AND diaper and peed on the kitchen floor

While cleaning up urine pool in kitchen, said child #1 comes running out of her bedroom saying "mommy, that, mommy that"

Discover that while I was cleaning urine pool in kitchen, she POOPED on the floor in her room. O.M.G...

put child #1 on toilet (perhaps a little late, but oh well lets keep her contained) to clean up poop, and discover she has peed AGAIN but hasn't learned yet how to aim DOWN, so it sprayed straight out.

Clean up MORE URINE off floor, toilet and child. Wash child from poop and pee. Re-diaper, re-clothe child.

Take deep breathe, put on a sweatshirt over my braless, nursing tank only clad, still has too much baby weight self, throw on shoes, put all the children in the car and drive through Starbucks for a Venti Caramel Machiato and venti water. Child #1 from the

backseat apparently has become aware of what a drive thru is because she is yelling "mommy, food, mommy food".

So on to Del taco for an extra large fry, Dr pepper and kids meal for her. Then out for a drive because that was too short of an outing to just go home and they are not even asleep yet.

This is when the crazy thoughts come in...."lets sell everything and go live in Thailand so I can afford a maid", yea, stuff like that.

This is all before noon, a normal day for me. Plus ya know, laundry, meal planning, groceries, sweeping, moping, cleaning out toys, rotating clothes sizes, vacuuming, dishes etc...

Unbearable.

Since A was born I just haven't been myself. Doing things, saying things and feeling things, I would N.E.V.E.R do or say or feel. I have at times I'll admit been a bit on the "crazy side" just trying to survive. I hear ALL.The.Time from older women things like, oh your kids are so close, you will just love it when they are older. Yay, Ok. Well, in the meantime can you come live with me so I can take a shower today maybe?

I love my kids, a truly unbelievable love that I thought for sure I would never know and now I do. I love when they say new words, make funny faces, look lovingly at me and sweetly say mommy, hold my hand, sleep next to me and want to copy what I'm doing because I am their mom. But there are days that are almost unbearable. I hope I never forget these almost unbearables, so that I can help others in those days, and be there for my kids, and remember my place in life.

My God may not have given me the unbearable, He simply lets me go through them so that I might have a greater appreciation of what He has done for me. He gave it all, and without Starbucks I might add. His days were surely unbearable yet He still chose to walk and die for me. I am one lucky girl, blessed beyond measure with a few days of hard times to remind me I am not alone and cannot do this by myself.

Thanks for loving me, even in my crazy.

Life.....

Our friends had a baby today. It brought back so many emotions for me that I fought tears almost the whole time we were visiting with them. I cant believe its been almost 5 months. Our baby, our tiny little 5lb 6oz baby, is 11 lbs now, rolls around, smiles and laughs and sleeps through the night. Life. It goes so fast.

I remember being so sad that I didnt feel this overwhelming sense of love for her. I felt love, just differently. Mostly I felt this overwhelming sense of protection. Thats probably what helped me for those middle of the night feedings and days of 3 hour sleep. I feel it now. Once I got that first little response from her I was flooded with Love. We were SO unprepared for her arrival. I told myself she wasnt coming for at least 4 weeks. Mostly I think I was still in denial that we were actually having a baby. For 8.5 months it was so surreal and now 5 months later I still say everyday, "shes really, really here and shes really, really ours". Well, mostly ours. Shes Gods gift to us for a while. That reality is the only thing that kept me from going crazy and thinking she died in her sleep everyday. 3 days in I said "I cant do this". and that night was the first night I prayed over her thanking God for her life so far and giving her back to Him fully. I still do it everyday but add a few other things in that prayer now.

I read a blog that makes me cry everytime I read her posts. Angie lost her husband in a racing accident. Her blog is such raw emotions written for the world to read. She speaks truthfully and boldly about her journey through grief. I just read one of her posts and it brought me to tears. This to me, is the best part.

the hopes we had once

not too long before

shared.

hopes that

then

and now

belong just to me.

all your hopes

now fulfilled

and here i am

wondering what to do next.

life. I cannot imagine not having the Hope in Christ to keep me grounded and remind me that...There. Is. More. To. This. Life. His hopes are now fulfilled because he is with Christ for eternity. But she still wants him back and misses him everyday. I dont know what I would do without Mike in this world my heart would be forever torn.

If you think about it say a prayer for her. Shes been through a lot.

we've been a little busy....

Its been a while to say the least. These last 4 months since K was born have flown by. I find myself saying "when she was little" but shes only 4months now! :) In my own defense she was TINY for so long. She has really started to grow and gain good weight now. Up to about 11 lbs, and long, shes gonna be tall. When its Mikes turn to watch her, I generally come home to find them asleep in all sorts of places and positions. These are some of my favorites.



We've traveled with her and done all sorts of fun things. We went to Hawaii at the end of June to see Mikes family then K and I stayed until July 22nd on Maui with my brother and his family.

This is at Sharks Cove on the North Shore. It was a first for both K and I. Her Daddy is SO happy that she LOVES the water.

I cannot believe we have a kid. I look at her everyday and think..."she's really ours". Thank you Jesus for dreams come true and many, many, many prayers answered. :)

Keona Uluwehi Evangeline HePing

"God's gracious gift growing in beauty bringing good news of peace"
Yes, we know. Its a big name for a little girl.
Keona was born Friday March 26th, 2010 at 1:40pm
She weighed 6lbs 3oz and is 19 inches.
She is lovely and we are in love. Even one week later it is still so surreal. We have a kid. A real live human being we are charged with raising. It is exciting and scary all at the same time.

I developed pre eclampsia and went in for a non-stress test on Thursday and they wouldnt let us leave. :( She was 3 weeks early but perfect. Labor was different than I expected but so worth it in the end. There are no words to explain the flood of emotions when she was born. My hubby was unbelievably amazing the whole time. He prayed over me and reminded me so many times how he believed in me and that he knew I could do this. My body was designed to give birth. He was a rock and still is. Watching him father our baby girl makes me cry with delight and pure joy.

We had a rough start with feeding and jaundice but things are looking up today. I dont know how we would've made it without all our friends and family supporting us. They have been wonderful. Food, cleaning, sleep help. We are blessed.

Thank you Jesus for this gift. Thank you for this time of remembering what you did for our souls. Thank you for the cross and for sacrificing your life for ours. I am just now beginning to understand the love you have for me as your daughter and why you would do such a thing to save me from evil. Thank you for letting me see you in my daughters eyes and cry and smiles and when she is sleeping.

Blast from the past

I was putting some things away this weekend and found a box of old childrens books my mom gave me. In the box was my baby book. Its old and seriously 70's, but full of sweet things. I sat down and looked through it and got all emotional. My mom had saved cards from when I was born and from a few early birthdays. They were so sweet. Sweet notes from my grandparents who are no longer living and lists of gifts and people who came to visit my parents in the hospital. It really made the fact that I am going to have a baby in 6 weeks so REAL. The cards had "congratulations on your new baby girl" and "Welcome baby girl" written on them and it just hit home. We are having a girl, a daughter, a family.
I also found a box I had saved of my own baby clothes my Mom gave me to use for dolls when I was little. It was so fun to see pictures of me in them and have the actual dress right in front of me.
People have been SO generous. Gifts and hand me downs have been pouring in, she will want for nothing. I think my favorite gift is a photo album Mike's mom sent me of when he was born. Its so sweet. All black and white photos and old, old, old medical equipment. The best are the photos of Mikes Dad suited head to toe in scrubs and masks and gloves. My how things have changed. We are really missing him right now. He would have loved to meet his Granddaughter.
33weeks and 6days. She'll be here soon!